I am sitting here trying to sort out thoughts about how life takes you to some places-- that you just do not understand. I am going through a tragedy that I just cannot seem to get a grip on. I have handled myself better than I ever thought I would in a situation like this. I guess I am confused because I have never had to deal with this before. I do not know how I am suppose to feel. And what I feel I do not know if that is normal. It is still very new- 1 month 8 days to be exact! Today would have been his birthday. He would have been 29. WOW. That is so young. I miss him so much I want to SCREAM!! I know there are other people that have and are going through the same thing but I just feel like no one really understands me. Every situation is different. I found him. I loved him. I should have known. I should have done something. I have to be the strong one for my daughter and his son. I have to close my eyes and pretend that I still do not see his lifeless body on the kitchen floor covered in blood. I am the one that bought him the gun. I am the one that has to wake up every morning pretending that Im okay. I do not know who I am anymore.

Everyone kleeps telling me that god does not put on us more than we can handle. I have always believed that and know I am finding myself doubting it. If that was so true then why is he gone!! Then I think to my self that thatwas the de3vil not God. I am very good a supression or repression which ever it is. I feel so many different things that I sound crazy.

When I get like this I try to think of all the positives that he gave me while we were together. We were not together for very long- but I have never been that close to someone in my entire life. He was my best friend, my baby, my soul mate. He was completely perfect for me. If I could just have one wish Just ONE WISH-- I would wish that I could REWIND LIFE-- to bring him back. I know that is the most selfish thing ever but that is what I want. I know that he is in a better place and that he is in no more emotion and physical pain-- but I was just not ready to let him go.

I need some advise from someone but to ashamed to even talk about my feeling with anyone. For starters-- that I would sound completely crazy because I have sooo many mixed emotions. And that I do not think that anybody would understand. And that the advise would not be genuine. Hell--- Iam all kinds of messed up! I thought that writing this would help me clear my head but has only made me feel even more crazy. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.